Why I ____

I remember an article and conversations some time ago asking the question which is harder: Marriage or Motherhood? Replacing 'Motherhood' with 'Parenting', I think both of us have the conclusion that given how easy Marriage has been, we are going to come on the 'Parenting is harder' side of the argument. Even though we are not among those people who knew each other for many years, joining lives was not a big adjustment, partly because our lives were (and are) in the midst of ongoing changes so it was more of merging of two moving highways then big changes. And we both have well exercised sharp elbows. At least neither of us ever picked up the habit of hiding sharp elbows until the worst possible time. (or hiding them at all)

People who rhapsodize over marriage or parenting have tended to make both sound very unattractive. Both criticize those who have not yet joined them as selfish (I sometimes wonder if my friends who criticize their unmarried peers as selfish but do not have kids hear the criticism that those who are married without kids are being selfish.) Both describe the life post-marriage/parenthood as a dying of self and life and the parts of life that are interesting. And the wonderful alternative presented is often something unappetizing. A life without flavor. We've been glad that this has not come to pass in marriage, but parenting looks a little more problematic. To use vocabulary one mother used, working with the things that come in marriage involved skills and attitudes that were already part of our operating systems. We're not sure that Parenting is. One person who was ready to provide wisdom asked us the question "Are you ready? Most people are not sure they know how to raise a child before their first" Our answer was "Of course not! We're pretty sure that after our first child we still won't know how to raise a child."

The other problematic side is the reality that some aspects of our lives will fall away or change markedly. We are fortunate that we have many examples of people who did not disappear off the face of the earth when they had children, and so we think there is hope.

But, as I tell my graduate students and the post-docs I work with, the reason I write such detailed messages is because I have no memory. And while I still have a nice record of photographs, I do not live life through a viewfinder (and I never will). So to remember, I have to write it down. And so I won't loose it, I am putting my faith in Google (and maybe a printout) as a place of record. So begins a series of notes on the various aspects of my life now. And in a few years, I may look back on it fondly (or not) as we bring a child into this world and all that is before us.

How can you bring a life into this world?

I remember conversations about this when I was in Grad school (note: not with other grad students). While some of this may be just usual 20 something angst, at the time the local pastor was also proclaiming that our entire social circle were a group of social freaks. When God declares this view of you, a certain allowance of cynicism towards life and the world could be understandable.

Are there things to be depressed about? The candidate list is fairly long. Among the list of actions that I have engaged in that have been described as evil and/or warranting eternal damnation at one time or another include working in academics, deploying and working in a combat zone, work with the Red Cross, catching a falling hiker, organizing social activities (both with undesirables as well as including people I should not), associating with doctors, lawyers, police, diplomats, responding to calls for help, (list goes on. Note that no one person would hold the entire list against me, just their own selected parts as their moral authority deems fit.)

My wife and I have the fortune of knowing and counting as friends people with a wide range of history, interest and backgrounds. We know both the wealthy as well as those who have chosen to be simple. Those who are world class in their chosen pursuits, and others who may or may not have a college education. Doctors, lawyers, engineers, tradesmen and craftsmen who take pride in the attributes and high callings of their professions. Christian, Buddhist, Jew, agnostic and atheists. And for each of these, those who view those as moral inferiors.

As we have gotten older, we recognize that our group of friends, relations and acquaintances has been narrowing over the years. And we've been told that would be the case. But we have also hoped that we would maintain a range of friends. Because someday, we would be starting a family.

We get asked sometimes if we hope that our son will be just like us. Both of us say absolutely not. Because as much as we enjoy life, neither of us think you can ask someone to take the paths we've taken. While it is entirely possible that he may choose to take life in a similar direction, that may not happen. And we want people we know and trust to be companions along the way.

What do we hope that he learns? We hope that he learns that people are interesting and have stories that are worth getting to know. Deeply.

We hope that he learns that there is value in learning and understanding something deeply. To learn to recognize what good looks like in any field of endeavor, and that it is worth striving to meet that standard.

We hope that he learns to value the creative, the ones who find ways to do the difficult tasks that have never been done. We hope that he decides that difficult things are worth doing. And, if he is good enough, that difficult things are the things that are worth his time, energy and creativity.

Is this guaranteed? No. As much as we hold certain values, we are fully aware that we are around people who scorn those values. And our son will be exposed to them. And along the way he will choose. But we can ensure he knows the choice he makes.

In the end, the goal of life is not the avoidance of things that are bad, but the striving for the things that are good. Our child may not achieve all of his dreams and will experience pain, suffering and hurt along the way. But he can also make choices, that we hope are those that lead to things beautiful and useful. And the stories he will create along the way, and the stories we build with him are something worth looking forward to.

Book Review: Usagi Yojimbo - Fathers and Sons

(written at Goodreads: Amazon link)
The hero, Usagi, is a ronin (unattached samurai) in a historical Japan after the great wars. As such, he is in the midst of a time of change, which much conflict, but most of it is not in the open. The social order is changing, and Usagi is finding his place in it. Along the way, he is joined by his son, Jotaro. But Jotaro does not realize he is Usagi's son, and knows Usagi as an uncle.

In this volume and volume 18 they travel through Japan to Jotaro's new teacher (who was Usagi's teacher). Along the way they meet many of Usagi's friends, encounter those who are also trying to carve out places for themselves in a new Japanese society (some of them through intimidation and violence), and other fathers, who are also trying to provide for and teach their sons the ways of the world and their place in it. One recurring bit of amusement occurs when Usagi's friends and others that encounter them along the way identify Jotaro as Usagi's son, even as they are introduced to Jotaro as a nephew, as they observe how they interact with each other.

Stan Sakai creates an engaging world with characters that are rich in motivation and backgrounds. Many lessons are taught and learned. Many mistakes are made, and there is even nobility and courage. And when you are done, you wish them well, those that continue their journey, and those that are left behind.

There is a strain of the arts that presents the purpose of the arts is to present the human condition, in its richness, grandeur, and in the mundane. And this is a fine example of this.