Parenting Month 106: A rounded life

In one weekend in December, DS9 had the following:

• Taekwondo mid-term testing as a 2nd degree black belt
• Chinese final exam
• University music prep department piano recital
• Elementary school choral concert (Small Ensemble)

This covers sports, language, and a double dose of arts. The only thing he was missing was something in math and sciences (next year, if he continues robotics with First LEGO League, there will be something around this time of year).

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DS9 TKD black belt midterm testing. In case anyone is wondering, I outrank him by one day :-). #tkdfamily @wexford_ata @jack_1329_

A post shared by Louis L 🔑 (@lluang70) on Dec 13, 2019 at 8:02pm PST

One of the hazards of parenting in upper middle class suburban America is the parenting arms race, which is magnified among asians.  All of the children we are in contact with are actively participating in a range of enrichment activities, many with a goal of an admissions package to get into a college of the parent's dreams (we do not always know the children well enough to know about their dreams).  And looking down the road, from the complaints of parents whose children do not get into the desired schools despite these efforts, it does not seem to be consistently successful.


When we talk to other parents, we are dizzy trying to keep track of everything they do.  Even DS9 feels busy to us, but then there are kids who can double up on every dimension (DS9 activities are roughly orthogonal to each other)

Even though DS9 did not cover many of the standard enrichment activities that are meant to lead to a selection, DS9 has been passing most selection stages he encounters (accelerated math, advanced programs, teams, music auditions). Fortunately, he does not have an appreciation for what this means, so he has not been participating in the posturing that is already observable in his peer group.

DS9 is in lower right

At this point,  DS9 is happy with the activities he is in. He enjoys the competence. He enjoys the experience (most of the time) and he alternates between enjoying and despising the activities that lead to that competence (like most adults).  And at this age, there is too much between now and college admission time to know what path the kids will take as they mature and develop other interests, and there are too many kids at his level to know if his trajectory will continue.

For her part, DD5 is in the early stages of the same. She does drawing (with a chinese teacher), piano, and taekwondo, enjoys all three pretty much all of the time. And is noticeably happy, almost all of the time. Almost the ideal of what you want out of a 5 year old.

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DD5 turn for belt testing at @wexford_ata. She told everyone that she is looking forward to contact sparring and she is going to practice on big brother and daddy. #tkdfamily

A post shared by Louis L 🔑 (@lluang70) on Dec 14, 2019 at 8:31am PST

Just as with DS9 at this age, the kids in her peer group are all more heavily involved in activities than she is.  And just like him, we will see how this turns out.

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#streetparking workout. Row/bike/taps, bent over rows and push presses. We had a long discussion on options for each segment. @streetparkingmembers @scoreitband #homegym #garagegym #fitfamily @garagesqwod

A post shared by Louis L 🔑 (@lluang70) on Dec 17, 2019 at 3:44pm PST

Parenting Month 103: Competition

We have been of the opinion that competition is good for the kids.  They are placed in a safe environment where they are under stress, but only after preparation.  We also believe that the benefit of the competition is not the end placement, but the preparation for the competition and the act of competing.

Visualization prior to competition

DS8 is exposed to competition in a few forms.  The most obvious are Taekwondo and piano.  And the pattern are the same:  maintaining focus through the performance, attention to multiple details during practice, a transition from individual skills practice to sequences, an intensive ramp up to the actual competition focus on ever tinier points of performance, which closes with a focus on principles, calming techniques at the beginning of a performance.

Saang jae baang at Kaminski's ATA Steel City Songham Classic

And so far, he has done well.  In TKD DS8 competes in the competitive division, and regularly goes up against kids who sport state and district champion badges (earned through a competitive points system across tournaments over a year).  And he is competitive in forms (non-contact sequences of moves that are designed to imitate facing two opponents).  But not in sparring (he does not have the aggressiveness needed to be good at sparring).

Shim jun at Kaminski's ATA Steel City Songham Classic

But we notice the other kids and adults.  While the ATA is pretty good about reigning in the worst of the in the moment actions of sport parents that are sometimes noticed in American culture, you still see some of the signs.  Parents keeping detailed notes on scoring and other competitors.  Kids who clearly are not used to not winning.  Kids who have clearly traveled for the purpose of tournament competition.  The types of conversations that go on the sidelines and the kids reactions.

But here in suburban America, competition exists in other venues even without tournament dates.  My son has gone through several rounds of selection within the school system. And while the intent of the selection is a good one, identifying students who can move ahead of the main group and give them the opportunity to grow a year with every year, the attitude taken by the students and families may not be so healthy.  One selection that my son went through is fairly rare, but well known among ambitious families, is placed as a goal for kids to aspire to, years before the time comes for selection.
And the kids know the stakes and what it means to be one of those selected. So much that it becomes more than just parents pride in being selected, but there is a danger of elitism among the kids, and a letdown when they are not among the selected.

Pre-competition pep talk

What makes competition good is that it is always good to be in the company of those who are good. There is a saying in many domains of expertise, if you are the best in the room, you are in the wrong room.  So, for those who are who are in the ballpark, this is an opportunity to see what good really looks like and it provides something to aspire too, or to recognize there are others just as good and you can spur each other on to be better.

But, when the goal of competition is the winning, eventually, one will reach the point where the competition is better than you.  And you will no longer win. Sometimes it is because you were never exposed to that level of competition before (something we see alot of in university freshmen). Sometimes it is because you have a view of your capabilities that is not based on a sober assessment.  So a culture or attitude that you will always win runs into the hard reality provided by the outside world.

Post-competition bowing out

Our goals in competing are to provide the experience in preparing for something hard where details matter, learning how to deal with pressure in the moment and being able to perform with no opportunity for correction, being exposed to quality competition, and knowing you have done your best and are continually getting better.  Whether that is taekwondo, piano, math, or any other aspect of life.  And experience the joy in being capable and competent.

Two third place medals

Parenting Month 99: Competitions

This past two months was marked by competitions in Taekwondo and piano. In taekwondo T moved up a division, while in piano this will be his last year in this age group.  So he did well in piano, but middle of the pack in taekwondo, where the differences between the kids who are really serious and everyone else is apparent.
In piano, we know that this is also the point where the easy progress ends and it starts to take serious work to get better.

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First time competing in a competitive ring at a Taekwondo tournament. As usual,smallest kid in the ring. #tkdfamily

A post shared by Louis L (@lluang70) on Mar 24, 2019 at 4:46am PDT

What is the point of competition? Especially at this age? There is the standard answers of the discipline of following instructions, of being able to see what it looks like to be good. It is an opportunity to socialize with kids who are doing the same things you are and that you will grow up with through the years.

The other thing that is starting is the concept of working up to something big.  In TKD, we spent three weeks of both some individual classes and more intense time with my son in preparing for the tournament.  Similarly for piano, the teachers are telling the kids that the competition is coming and they have to be more serious.  And the kids pick up on the fact that the adults are being more serious.  Also we spend time focusing on smaller things than normal.



Is it worth it? Sometimes, the attention to detail taxes the attention span at this point. For TKD, we can go through the whole thing, but we can only improve a limited number of points of improvement in a session. I suspect that piano is much the same.  The benefits is the idea that the details matter, and that you are preparing for more than doing as well as the friends you see in class every day or week, but you are up against a standard that you have not seen.  And then having to deal with the stress of the event itself where a very specific performance matters with no redo. And they should be very aware of the true quality of that one performance. The ability to handle yourself under the attention of a crowd is invaluable, regardless of the quality of the performance.

Parenting Month 89: competition in youth

These past two month was dominated by competitions.  T went to a regional Taekwondo tournament, participated in a piano competition, and earned his black belt in Taekwondo. Along the way, we saw a lot of the culture around kids competitions.

Receiving instructions prior to sparring.

T went to a regional tournament last month. This was his second competitive tournament (meaning they award places) and much larger and more prestigious than the other one we went to in fall. But we are not competitive, so we signed up for the novice division. (as opposed to competitive). He did well, we were not expecting everything when we realized that most of the boys in his ring were in the ATA leadership program, but he got a 3rd place medal in sparring (which goes along with this 1st place medals in forms and weapons from his last tournament.)  He especially liked the fact that he met the American Taekwondo Association  Grand Master (only one of them!) and got his medals and belt signed.

Medals signed by Grand Master In Ho Lee

One of the things we noticed was that even though this was the novice division (as opposed to competitive, where points count over the year), most of the boys clearly had tournament experience.  The parents were very sophisticated, with several of them keeping track of judges points.  The boys were also reasonably sophisticated with outcomes. The boys were all aware that a "Spirit" award implied that they did not get any of the place awards in any category. Some of the boys were not interested at all in collecting their Spirit medals.

We also noticed that many of the "novice" boys were clearly serious about competing.  We saw a former state champion (meaning they had the most tournament points when competing in the "competitive" category in tournaments last year).  Several of the boys clearly had trained above their belt level (this was a red belt ring, and above belt level means they used moves and forms that were part of the black belt curriculum.  And our thought is why would they sign up for a novice division when they clearly usually were competitive. And if it was they were worried about being in a high prestige tournament so going novice would make the competition easier, the fact that so many others did the same thing made that fail.

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Piano Competition hosted by Chatham College

The reason we have T (and someday A) enter competitions is not because he will win. But we want him to get a sense of how good people other than the ones they saw every day could be. And that means that we do this so he can connect with the best people in real life.  And if he is going to compete with any seriousness, that means we would enter the competitive rings. He may not win, but at this point we are pretty sure that he will win his share of things as he grows up. But he will be tested in the best way possible, where he can see and be in contact with others and get an idea of how much work it takes to be very good at something. And hopefully realize that being very good at something is both possible and enjoyable.  Whether or not medals and prizes are involved.

Medals and belt signed by the ATA Grandmaster In Ho Lee